Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
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If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Reporter: *ports again*
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Just havin’ brunch on my balcony, shootin’ down drones. They’re gettin’ crafty with these drones. The last one looked a lot like a bird. They all did actually. Squawkin’ and whatnot, feathers flyin’ everywhere. Nice try, drones.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Blew out my flip flop…
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*