i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
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[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner