Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
You Might Also Like
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
boat question
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Follow me for more life hacks.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
I’m about to risk it all
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?