I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
You Might Also Like
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.