New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
You Might Also Like
what
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Finally
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry