SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me if I was a dog
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.