good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
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It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Smells like a challenge to me
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.