X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
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My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
brian had himself a morning…
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.