Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
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What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.