So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
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Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”