Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
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If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.