My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.