He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
New menu item
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!