as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
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Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.