After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
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I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put