the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
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I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Autocorrect is my menesis
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable