“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
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John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.