Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george