My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
You Might Also Like
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
I hate when that happens.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”