popsicle not seeing heaven 馃槶
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[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Here鈥檚 a list of all the things my toddler doesn鈥檛 fight me on:
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Wife: Don鈥檛 forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Yup.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
No matter how much I mature, I can鈥檛 find a haircut that doesn鈥檛 make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I鈥檓 going to give you a shot to help me relax
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose