Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
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“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.