My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
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Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Sorry not sorry.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
just having fun
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!