Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
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my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related