“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
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Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
I put the mess in domestic.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room