Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
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At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.