I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
You Might Also Like
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.