At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.