My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
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Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!