One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
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[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
going to the ER y’all need anything
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt