Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!