[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
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Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Ummm
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.