At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
You Might Also Like
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂