Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
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Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory