DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Big Sex has us all fooled
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.