me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
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Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
This one’s “Alex”.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹