My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
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Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.