Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts