Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
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you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant