“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.