Happens to everyone.
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If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports