My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle