So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
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Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Snapes on a plane.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
All. The. Damn. Time.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
ugh not again
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help