“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
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I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
good let them take over I have had enough
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
how many bears make up a bear minimum
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture