Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
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[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Lucky old June.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.