My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
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[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality