Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
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Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Growing out my freckles.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now