ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
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So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
felt cute might bury dad later idk
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista