Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
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boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?