“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
somebody come look at this
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday