If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
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dam girl
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment